Try Not to Be Wrong
by Arsahi
Summary: This is a m/m songfic. Don't read it if m/m makes you uncomfortable. Alai contemplates Ender after the war.


Title: Try Not to Be Wrong  
  
Author: Arsahi  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Warnings: M/M SLASH DO NOT READ IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE  
  
Disclaimer: "Ender Will Save Us All" (the lyrics used in this fic)  
belong to Dashboard Confessionals. Ender's Game is property of Orson  
Scott Card and all pertaining parties. I am not making money off of  
this.  
  
Dedication: Kaeda, Sun-chan, and Emily.  
  
Notes: After listening to Dashboard Confessionals' "Ender Will Save   
Us All" repeatedly, and reading Ender's Game, I decided to write   
what is probably the only Ender/Alai fic out there. Quite frankly,   
Alai is the only one who goes with Ender in my eyes. Flame me if   
you want, but they'll only be brushed off and fed to my Flameater,   
Pugsworth.  
  
~*~ Try Not to Be Wrong ~*~  
  
I sat in my room, staring at the ceiling after the way. I missed   
Ender. He was...is...my best friend. It's hard to accept for most   
people, but I knew after the moment when we were six years old and   
something arrested me, possessed me to kiss Ender on the cheek, I   
knew he was the only one for me. I still remember that kiss, that   
small peck on the cheek, that moment I whispered "Shalaom" to him.   
That moment has been freeze-framed in my mind. And now he's going   
to leave. I know he will. He's going to leave me, he's going to   
leave his team, all the people who care about him, love him.  
  
He's had it so rough. I wish I could just erase all the bad things...  
  
~!~  
It's just like you to contest  
You wear it like a label on your breast  
Don't you see what this takes of me?  
A certain callousness complies  
With your charm and in your pride  
A hopeful look draped in despise  
~!~  
  
I finally rose from my bed, staring at the door. I sat in the   
middle of the floor, watching the door as if it would up and walk   
away on its own.  
  
Ender's room...I knew exactly where it was. I knew he would be doing   
the same as I was right now, staring at the ceiling, the door, the   
wall, trying to do anything but think of the massive genocide he just   
commited. I know he's hurting. I know he needs someone, needs his   
best friend, needs someone to soothe his pain, keep him from falling   
off the brink of reasoning and into a pit of despair now that his   
clear head was no longer needed. Should I get up? Should I get up   
and walk down the hallway to his room, knock on the doorframe, ask   
him if he wants to see me?  
  
He'd never admit to wanting to see me. He always pulls inside of   
himself.  
  
~!~  
I want to give you  
Whatever you need  
What is it you need?  
Is it what I need?  
I want to give you  
Whatever you need  
What is it you need?  
Is it within me?  
~!~  
  
Ender Wiggin, boy wonder, Third...I didn't want him to leave. I didn't   
want him to leave without knowing how I felt. How I would always feel.   
He had to know. Maybe not right then, but sooner or later I would tell   
him. Unless I could work up enough courage to tell him in my confident   
voice how I felt. I couldn't tell him unless I could say the three or   
four words to myself. I had to tell myself how deep my feelings went,   
or how could I tell him?  
  
Maybe I would write him a letter and drop it by his door. Or maybe I   
would tell him face-to-face. I should leave Earth with him. I should   
follow, discreetly, meet up with him face-to-face again.  
  
I flopped on my back onto the floor, staring at the ceiling again.   
Imagined cracks folded the ceiling into odd shapes, familiar shapes,   
warped into the face of one Ender Wiggin. I had it bad. Very badly.  
  
~!~  
It's hard to explain how I am getting by  
on so little from you  
It's hard to believe I would let myself  
get so wrapped up in you  
There's gotta be something that would  
be worthwhile for me to give to you  
~!~  
  
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I imagined the temperature in   
the room dropped, the temperature in the whole place dropped. I imagined   
Ender came, checked on me...cuddled next to me...  
  
I hit my head on the floor a few times, trying to phsyically knock the images   
from my mind. I wanted them so badly to be real. I wanted it so badly I   
could taste it. I could feel his clothes on my skin, his skin on my hands,   
his skin on my lips...  
  
No. Alai, stop. Stop while you're ahead.  
  
Oh, but I love him. I love Ender.  
  
~!~  
We need a connection but you  
seem to push me far away from you  
~!~  
  
I rose from the floor, feeling a courage like no other I've felt.   
Somehow, this seemed far more scarier than fighting the Buggers, than   
fighting a war. So as I walked down the hall, trying not to piss in my   
pants from fear, I consoled myself with the fact that at least Ender would   
know, and since he probably wouldn't return my feelings, he was leaving   
for a new planet. We would be literally light years apart.  
  
My heart nearly jumped out of my chest at the thought and froze. But then   
I saw Ender leave his room and turn around the corner, and my heart resumed   
beating at a frantic pace.  
  
He backed up and looked at me, an abnormally puzzled expression donning his  
beautiful face. "Alai? What are you doing, standing in the hallway?"  
  
"I..." my voice cracked and I felt my cheeks burn. I coughed and glanced   
at the floor, regaining my composure, and I looked up at him again.  
  
~!~  
The harder I push the further I fall  
Well you don't mind me being headstrong  
But you don't want to sing along  
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong  
~!~  
  
"Alai?" Ender asked quizzically, staring at me, his brow drawn together.  
  
"Um...Ender..." I started, but my mind was buzzing so fast with things to   
tell him that my mouth couldn't catch up. Had my mouth gone retarded?  
  
Ender just stared at me.  
  
So I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.  
  
"I love you."  
  
~!~  
Try not to be wrong  
~!~ 


End file.
